Stepping outside

When I hear "stepping outside", what does it mean to me? Yes, it is the act of actually   opening the door and taking steps to go out of your dwelling for whatever. When I come to think of it metaphorically, it's like 'stepping out' of your self, the mental as well as a physical being, not just a physical act of taking steps to move out of a physical structure made of brick and mortar. 

If I were to contemplate on my battle with my stubborn self, "stepping outside" has perhaps been the most difficult part. The good news is that I am still struggling to do it both physically and metaphorically! The great news is that I know I will be able to accomplish it!! The moving from poor and average to good is not so difficult as is the progression from good to great. Let's leave this for some other day.

When we talk of "stepping outside" of ourselves, what exactly are we doing? How can one step outside oneself? I think it means observing oneself. I am the subject and the matter both. To a yogi, it might sound as easy as the back of his/her hand but to common people like me, it was herculean, to say the least. The uneasiness that I faced initially and what I am going through now is of epic proportions. No exaggerations. 

Stepping outside for me was venturing out of my 'comfort zone'. Hey, I liked being how I was. Status-quo was familiar, easy, tried & tested and most of all did not require me to flex any additional muscle in my body and mind than what I was already used to. It's not easy. Change they say is the constant but I would not doubt anyone who says it's not on their plate, right now. What is working, why disturb that? Let things be. Perfectly rational and easy. I have quoted on several occasions to my daughter, that in order to have something you have never had before, you need to do things you have never done before. Simple cause and effect. It's not simple as it sounds but, if you come to think of it, life never said I was easy! It's natural though. Anyway, we are living and that's the only reality we know. 

To take it further, I was so happy and cocooned in my la-la land that I never even attempted to look at alternative worlds or for that matter even universes. How and when health became a concern, it completely escaped my attention. Even on my numerous intellectual introspection breaks and journeys, it felt good living the way that I was living. Doing the same things, eating the same stuff, no attention to the body, etc etc. Now when the truth has dawned upon me that I was wrong during that phase, honestly I have to confess, it felt absolutely and resolutely right at that time when I was continuing with my static self. The reason being there were no confrontations. Primarily, with myself (knows all my secrets and plans) and then with others at large. Especially people who were the major stakeholders', in my entity called life, my family. All by design and not default. That's another thing I picked up on my battleground - both the enemy and savior are WITHIN and not WITHOUT. Sacrosanct observation and acceptance by me to take my life forward. I had always prided myself in believing that my life was by default and not by design. I always went with the flow, so to say. Something that I have debunked completely. I made and still make the choices, my reality only presented or presents the bouquet to choose from! Proactively, I had to put aside my cognitive biases (simply those errors in the way of thinking that lead to poor decision making). Why poor because I firmly believe that there were no right or wrong decisions. They were bad or poor or excellent depending on meeting their basic purpose. One can fall short, deliver or over deliver, but right or wrong - absolutely no! There are all kinds of biases and believe it or not, all are insidious and indiscreetly influencing our decisions. Worth exploring later.      

All my choices and the subsequent project plans which governed my life, today present themselves to be a series of egregious plans for myself. I suffered (still working) heavily from what is commonly referred to as the "planning fallacy". All my plans, be it health, work, studies, and all life-related stuff were precariously and overconfidently hinging on "best-case scenarios". I wouldn't say that it did not serve its purpose. The positivity associated with 'all going well as per plan' is what bailed me out in my thinnest and delicately dangerous and low hours. Since childhood we are drilled - always think positive, all will be well if you have a positive attitude, always look on the bright side of life (one of my favorite songs), etc. The contradictory message was - plan for the best but be prepared for the worst. Both are true. However, in the second scenario, we were hardly engaged in discussions about how to conduct oneself and accept when the worst happens! "Stepping outside" means all of this. Either you change yourself or you change the environment. Changing oneself is "stepping outside". Self is the only constant you can change. 

In real life, we need to be careful about how we approach circumstances, interactions, situations, relationships, issues or for that matter even daily living. All these buckets would have a healthy and many times, a skewed mix of easy to complex matters. The easy ones like - multiple choice questions, fill-in-the-blanks, one-word answer, pick the most suited, etc.  - you would breeze through them with the help of your values, beliefs, learnings, etc. The broad guidelines that we pick up on our way to growing up, could serve like oxygen and would come naturally like breathing when we are attempting the easy ones. The seemingly hard ones ranging from difficult to the complex are what will force you in "stepping outside" your comfort zone. These are those silly awkward, too-good-to-believe, inconvenient, tough, back-breaking, liberating, soul-crushing, painful, ill-timed, exasperating, unreasonable, adverse matters that demand the reserve fuel present in all of us to be utilized. The "stepping outside" process means that we first have to fight-out our inner stubbornness, doggedness, obstinate, static self before anyone or anything else. We will need to see and explore beyond what is readily and immediately presented to us, without any (extra) effort. We sometimes fail to see the obvious out of sheer laziness. Sometimes the very thing that we are looking for is the one thing we can't see because of our own reluctance to push the envelope. These moments are tougher because our own biases, past experiences, recalcitrant self builds a boundary wall which restricts us. Our very own customized and personalized COMFORT ZONE. Both, the mind and body, don't want to move around! We have spent so much time and money on them. Routine (different from discipline) is the KING! 

All our senses start and end within it. We don't even bother attempting to look beyond because that would mean "stepping outside" our comfort zone. Who wants that? We are wired to shun pain at all costs. Look at us, whichever part of the body doesn't hurt while being harmed, we are merciless towards them like hairs and nails. Even body parts which have gone numb or can be numbed are not spared but we are meticulously cautious and careful about all the others. So breaking out of the comfort zone is fairly easy for all those non-threatening or painless (both physical and emotional) matters.  

But you know the beauty of nature, "stepping outside" the familiar territory is what all great stories and legends are made of. Our own self also feels elated and satisfied after we have accomplished what does not come naturally to us. When we challenge our physical and mental limits, we experience true happiness. The true happiness which one can see on a child's' face when she or he learns to walk, then run, then eat, then talk and so on. All represent pure bliss because something that could not be done before is now an accomplished task.  Examples in the adult world are galore - from sports to business to arts and personally to me, the overcoming of our physical restrictions. Only when we leave the known can we explore the unknown. Nothing is permanent - neither known nor unknown. So what's there to lose? Stakes are fairly high and not balanced for both. Life may not be easy and sometimes not fair too! We still love being alive.

My health (mostly weight) was a huge limiting factor for me. Medical conditions I could fight out with sheer grit and determination with the help of the advances in medical science. Weight was my problem child. I just did not want to face leave alone step out of this limit. I never had any issues because it did not interfere in my daily living. I don't have a full-length mirror in my house and somehow it never bothered me. To be honest it still doesn't but what I am trying to share is that these were realities staring at my face. I still did not think about "stepping outside". Only when I was outside the OT (Operation Theatre) twice within a span of six months, my thought process was set into motion. I understood what priority means and why it should be the cornerstone of living. Your Standard Operating Procedural manual (SOP) has to be written by you. After nearly 2 years of my surgeries, I was able to accept that the time for "stepping outside" of my comfort zone is well past its due date.  So it had to be accepted. First food then the logical next one would be exercising. I will not lie that I took the easy way out. Instead of exercising (which I believed was a punishment to the body!) I drastically cut down on my daily intake. I have started monitoring it and also keeping a count. Progress has been made. I have to go a long way. My battle with my bulge will not be easy but it's not impossible. I will be. There's something inside so strong, I know!

All mothers give birth to great men and women and if life disappoints them later - it's our very own stubbornness of not "stepping outside" of our normal, routine living - let us not blame them. We all start to succeed but if we fail, not all is lost. Pick up from where you left. Until and unless we fall dead, one step is always followed by the next step!

Shalini